So Much Time But So Little Energy

Monday, March 30, 2020


I know the title doesn't really make much sense but I really wanted the title to work together so that's what I went with. I'm not even sure if I need to even mentioned what's going on in the world right now because who doesn't know what's going on? It feels like so much of the world has shut down and my life has been put on pause. I know that I have immense privilege in the sense that I have food on my table, a roof over my header and my family with me. We're all healthy and doing well so what more could I want? Yet, there are so many emotions I'm going through that taking life day by day is the best that I can.

So, today, I'm going to do a general update for the blog. This is more for myself to look back on later but I figured it wouldn't be a bad thing to post for others (if there are now any readers of this blog now).

Mental/Physical Update
I felt like this had to be the first update that I talk about as the rest of this post won't make sense otherwise. I'm sure I'm not the only person whose mental health has taken a toll during this stressful time. From work stress to anxiety to having to social distance (when I'm such an extrovert), things have been rough. I'm not doing as bad as I thought I would so that's been a blessing. I've lost a lot of the energy I've had to create content and do work in general so that's something I'm working on getting back.

My physical health has severely gotten worse since I returned home. I planned on simply relaxing while home for the initial two weeks, but I've been home for far longer than that. I'm hoping to reset my routine to better accommodate for the time that I'll still be speeding at home. Here's to getting healthy again!

Work Update 
I found out early this morning that China closed its borders to all foreigners for the forceable future (even residents) which means that I no longer know when I'll return to China. I had chosen to return a little later in March so this is why I'm still here but I won't regret it. Some part of me has been wondering if this a sign for me to just stay here in the U.S. and not go back to China at all, but that's another post entirely. Again, I am extremely fortunate to have a job that I can eventually go back to so I don't wan to downplay this privilege. However, it is an added stress and I am trying to handle it as well as possible.

Content Update 
Again, I unintentionally took a break from content post but I'm trying to make a comeback. I started another blog (I know, I know) but this one is just for books. It's called In Want of Books and I'm excited to have a space where I can talk all about books. For the most part, I won't post anything on there other than book reviews (and focusing on adult books). I also decided to come back to my YouTube channel so I'm very excited to continue to post more often.

I'll be working on creating a posting schedule but I think I'll end up having content posted five days a week (two blog posts on this blog, two on my book blog, and one video) but we'll see what happens. It might be easier for me to just post as it going but I want to have content regularly to post. I'm hoping this will also keep my motivated to work and talk about my days as the time goes on.

Reading Update 
I did hit a bit of a reading slump because of my mental health but I'm finally making a comeback! I'm 8 books ahead on my Goodreading challenge so that's been really nice. I've read 43 books thus far this year which is a really great number. As usual, historical romance is how I've managed to get out of my funk.

So that's all for all of my updates. I'm not sure if there's anything else I have to say at this moment but I promise to be back and better than ever. I might do a couple of posts about what I'm doing during this social distancing time period but we'll see. I hope that everyone is safe and sound!


Read More

How Personal Is Too Personal?

Monday, March 16, 2020

Except for Twitter, I am not someone that posts often on social media. I barely post on Instagram or Facebook though I like to check in to see what friends and family are doing. I've talked about how social media has affected me and my break from it, but I have been wondering about the personal aspect of it. Obviously social media is personal, but I want to know if there is such a thing as something being too personal? Is it possible in this age of social media to ever been too personal again?

Let me back up. When I was younger, there were certain topics that my friends and I wouldn't talk about in front of others because it was too personal. Our sex lives or body functions (even our periods) or a familial issues always seemed to be too personal and there was no reason for it. We'd have a small group of people with whom we could open up about anything but never in a general fashion.

But now, in 2020, that is all gone. Kids and people of all ages are super active on social media and continue to share all aspects of their lives. From very personal moments in their lives that aren't the happiest to the moments that aren't so happy. For some people, social media if their livelihood. So I wonder if there is such a thing as anything being too personal when we let the world in on every little moment.

Obviously there are conversations going on that what you see on social media is fake and a very specific image is being projected. There are also conversations about how these images impact young people, especially girls, to have standards about their bodies that aren't really real. But this post is solely about the information that we share about our personal lives and if we even should share these things with the public.

I think this is why I find celebrities who are incredibly private so fascinating. They have the means to make sure that people don't find out about their lives but it's also mind blowing to me that they are people in the public eye but they're...not. I think of Peter Dinklage and his wife or Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes among many others. We know that they're married and have kids but not much else (we don't even know Dinklage's kids names). If such high profile celebrities can keep their lives private but still go about their day, we should be able to as well.

I'm not sure if this post makes any sense but this has been what I've been thinking about a lot lately. Considering that that I don't share much about my life, I am trying to keep certain parts of my life to myself. However, and this is a big however, I do often feel like I'm lagging behind on what others are going. Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) if you will. Again, this post is just here for me to muse about my thoughts about this and not for another other reason.

What do y'all think? Do you think it's possible to be too open and share too many personal aspects of our lives? Or have we given up our privacy to some degree forever? 
Read More

The Future is Scary

Thursday, March 12, 2020

This is a very random and slightly personal post that I didn't anticipate making it onto the blog. I write down a lot of thoughts that I have for post ideas but I don't usually write them out. I guess I should talk about why I've been thinking about my future and why it really scares me. For one, I came back to the US in mid January for my Chinese New Year break. 

I anticipated that I would stay in the country until the end of January as we assumed that COVID-19 would no longer be the concern that it has obviously begun. As classes were closed, I stayed back in the US and really began wondering if I could return to China. At this point, I would have been in China for six months. Six months felt like a good time period for me to evaluate my time in China. These were questions I had before coming to the city (and before my experience with China began.)

Did I want to stay in China? 
Is my experience in China worth staying in this city for another six months?
Did I like my job? 
Did I like this job enough to stay with it for another six months? 
What do I want the rest of 2020 to look like for me? 
What changes can I make now that will positivity impact the rest of 2020? 
What changes can I make now that will positivity impact my future? 

At the time that I created this lengthy list of questions, I didn't know that my time in China would not be the most positive** one. I had anticipated on having a vastly different experiences to the one that I had. Now, knowing everything that I knew, answering these questions has left me feeling uncomfortable. I don't know who to answer some of these questions and if I'm honest, some answers scare me. And thus, the title of this post: I don't know what my future holds or what I want from it or how to go after it and it scares the hell out of me. 

I'm going to spend the month of March trying to answer these questions without hesitation. I want to be as honest as possible with my thoughts and feelings as I can be. Even if the answers are not what I thought they would be or what I want them to be, I'll have to own them. 

**This is not to say that there is anything wrong with China or Shanghai. It just hasn't been a good experience for me. 


Do y'all ever give yourself a list of questions to ask yourself as a way to check in? How would you answer some (or all) of these questions? Are you scared that you might answer some of these questions in an unexpected way? 

Read More

Six Months* in China

Monday, March 9, 2020

*I began this post in 2019 while I was still in Shanghai. As of now, February 22, I am in the United States because of the coronavirus (COVID-19) and I do not know when I will be going home!

I can't believe that I've been in China for 4.5 months and I'm nearing my six month mark!
Read More

I Watched 15 Seasons of Grey's Anatomy: Random Thoughts

Thursday, March 5, 2020

I can't believe that I went there. After so many years of seeing Grey's Anatomy on my Netflix feed and my television, I finally began to watch all 15 seasons of the show. I've known about Grey's since forever (who hasn't?) and I have seen episodes here and there. I knew pretty much all of the big things that happened on the show but I just hadn't watched all of the episodes. Last year, I began the process of watching the show but half way through season 3 I got bored and put the show aside. But 2020 was a new year and I decided to challenge myself. As of January 2020, I finished the last episode of season 15. This post ended up being incredibly long so I've decided to break it down into 3 parts: my favorite characters, my favorite couples, and random thoughts/predictions about the show (this post!)!
Read More

I Watched 15 Seasons of Grey's Anatomy: My Favorite Couples

Monday, March 2, 2020

I can't believe that I went there. After so many years of seeing Grey's Anatomy on my Netflix feed and my television, I finally began to watch all 15 seasons of the show. I've known about Grey's since forever (who hasn't?) and I have seen episodes here and there. I knew pretty much all of the big things that happened on the show but I just hadn't watched all of the episodes. Last year, I began the process of watching the show but half way through season 3 I got bored and put the show aside. But 2020 was a new year and I decided to challenge myself. As of January 2020, I finished the last episode of season 15. This post ended up being incredibly long so I've decided to break it down into 3 parts: my favorite characters, my favorite couples (this post!), and random thoughts/predictions about the show!
Read More